Sunday, June 21, 2009

Being Scared

Darren and I have often spoken of how he felt around the age I am now and how the thought of having a child and being a parent was something, as an openly gay man he had given up on.

Being openly gay negated any chance of having a family of your own and that was that.

There are gay men out there who marry and feign a happy, heterosexual relationship so that they can have a family. We know such men, some are still married and others have since left their wives & former families, with sad consequences.

The catalyst for our journey to India and starting our family was on our last overseas holiday together to Fiji. We had such a relaxing week away, enjoying our island paradise. Perfect weather, blue skies and warm water. There were a couple of families there with very small children and one day during happy hour I started balling, crying like a baby. I was overwhelemed by this feeling of missed opportunity. Darren and I spoke of his dreams of being a dad when he was in his late twenties just after we met. I was too young at that point and too selfish a 19 year old to have been able to truly empathise. Parenthood had yet to enter my mind. One couple in their late 40s began chatting with Darren and said 'why not do it'. And that was that. We returned home and seriously discussed parenthood as a reality for the two of us.

Now, 12 years on in our relationship and 12 years older I'm scared that the dream we both are trying so desperatley to realise is still as elusive as ever. Just because we want this does not mean it will happen.

This week has seen some very, very sad news from India. Surrogates who have lost children well into their pregnancies and parents devastated. I'm scared.

This affects so many people; the intending parents, their families, friends and then everyone in India trying to help us all. Surrogates, their families, the docs and our extended support network. Devastating news is just terrible and I long for hope, positive news and that silver lining. Ever the optimist I believe it is there for us. I pray it is.

This year will be Darren's 40th birthday and four days before this big day we anticipate will be an even bigger day. Around the 15th of August or there abouts we will know the results of our attempt at falling pregnant. One of many hurdles in the next 9 1/2 months til our Noddy will join us and complete our lives.

We are, as well prepared as we can be. Flights and accommodation are booked. Passports have been returned and visas issued. Our ED has been confirmed by Dr S and our SM whoever she may be will be ready too.

We both want this to be a positive experience for everyone involved...It will be.


  1. Johnny & Darren, I wish you the very best of luck and am praying really hard that you will be successful at the first go. June has been a horrible, horrible month for some of us and therefore July has to be a great month (that's my logic and I'm sticking with it).

    Anita xx

  2. The heartbreaking news has been horrible to hear and I think we feel it so strongly because we know the challenges others are going through. On Sunday I was talking to my mom and telling her how horrible I felt about the sad news. Her reply was that their story will not necessarily be my path and I can say the same for you. I don’t mean in any way to belittle what others are going through. I wish with all my heart that things were different.

    The odds are in your favor and I really pray that it works on your first try. Since you are working with SI (which normally does a day 2 transfer), one thing you may want to consider is asking for a subsequent blastocyst transfer. This can increase your odds, but it also may increase the odds of having to do selective reduction.

    In a few years, I can see your family on vacation with others envious of your beautiful little ones.